There are all sorts of things in the world that need to be punched, so here's a list of Things I Want to Punch:
Lotions and Creams for Men
costly, wasteful, silly
I have nothing against creams and lotions. I have EVERYTHING against them. They don't do anything other than waste money and smell good. And the only reason they are being sold to men is for companies to double their market. But the only cream a guy should buy is heavy. And he should drink it straight from the carton while operating a chainsaw and having sex with a woman (or man, if he so desires).
fake, oh so hot, overplayed
This popular singer's schtick has me seeing red. Victim or not, with her level of power, privilege, and success it's hard to feel sympathy. Maybe I'm just jealous that we will never get together. But all you can hate, hate, hate. I'm just going to punch it off.
Non Full-face Motorcycle Helmets
dangerous, silly, compromised
There is nothing worse that getting your head splattered across the road, which makes helmets a good idea. But not these dinky little skullcap helmets that all the tough guys wear. Look, tough guys: you are wimp to be wearing any helmet. So you might as well wear a full-face one.
Cheaply-made Urban Condos
trashy, expensive, ugly
Let's see, what materials should I use on this cheaply cobbled together mass of cubes? Um, all of them! Bricks, metal, stucco, siding. Hell, even throw some barn wood up there! I want all these new urban complexes to look like a glorified District 9 shanty town.
The only thing that should ever come out of a nose is smells, assuming you have some way of reversing time.
annoying, itchy, relentless
Not only do they breed like crazy, but their eggs look like salt. But unlike salt, they taste like flea eggs. Talk about a bait and itch!
Luxury Car Advertising
overpromising, hyperbolic, manipulative
Luxury car ads are trying to hard to make you think their cars are some kind of life changing experience. But why eat steak when you can eat hamburgers out of the garbage?
Nails on the Road
costly, annoying, preventable
Nails are useful for making wood stick to other wood or shingles stick to a roof. But they aren't useful for puncturing brand new tires.
Barn Doors: Inside
There is only one place where a barn door should be used: a barn. Any other place is just stupid.
Avocados are delicious. Toast is awesome. But why do people have to make such a big freaking deal about putting the two together and charging a ton of money for it?
dangerous, stupid, idiotic
The biggest distraction to driving is smartphones. In the states too dumb to enact hands-free laws, literally 75% of drivers are looking or talking on their phone as the plow around the roads with their multi-ton battering ram on wheels.
annoying, gross, costly
While they may be good pollinators, punches must be thrown for anything that chooses to drill holes into my wood and lay eggs.
Mobile Software Updates
Every week, I have to download hundreds of megabytes of unoptimized mobile software updates for apps I barely use.
flaky, not delicious
What's dry and flaky like potato flakes but not nearly as delicious: the human scalp.
over-hyped, ethics hornet's nest
While everyone is excited about a future of self-driving cars, I have a simple ethical question. If a self-driving car has to chose between killing a person in the road or swerving and killing the driver, who does it choose? Either answer is horrible, but these kind of ethical decisions have to be coded into the system at some point. And I want to know the answers before getting on board.
silly-looking, out of context
Appropriate places to wear fur-lined leather boots: Siberia, Alaska, Greenland, or any place with some hope of permafrost. Inappropriate places: everywhere else. These clunky looking boots can be seen as far south as Los Angeles and are paired with skirts or sweatpants. Wrong. Think of the logic: would you wear a fur hat at the beach in a bikini? Would you don ski gear to go through a casual stroll in the desert? I hope not.
unnecessary, expensive, proprietary, compromises
This magical and revolutionary device is worth buying if don't already have an iPhone or notebook. Otherwise, it's just another device to add to a landfill in a few years. In the meantime, the closed app and music stores are efficient way to increase Apple's coffers.
sticky, messy, annoying
Not only does the chewer smack and look blasé, but that wad of spent gum has to go somewhere. Most likely, it ends up on the sidewalk or on the bottom of my shoes.
expensive, smelly, gross, snake oil
Regardless if they work, I'd much rather not get my energy by drinking something that tastes like an aspartame-dipped Guido fueled by sugar and chemically extracted bull testosterone. Plus, most of the can designs are ugly.
Everything in the SkyMall Catalogue
There are only so many devices a person really needs, and none of them are in this catalogue.
When telling a little joke, settling for base humor is the easy way. Why not weave a complicated political riddle or delightful pun instead?
too much information
Tight spandex shorts indicate how serious about biking a person is, as well as the extent of his crushed perineum.
Little Yippy Dogs
ugly, loud, rat-like
These babied, spoiled creatures are more rat than dog.
Rightwing Nut Jobs (RWNJ)
There is no room for compromise, learning, or growth when arguing with a RWNJ.
Loiterering Thugs at the Convenience Store
I just want to buy my $4 kombucha. Why do you have to make me uncomfortable, you loitering thugs at the convenience store?
The Smell of Hard-boiled Eggs
It's no picnic when the white, ovoid fart smells arrive.
frivolous, faddish, stupid
I'm eating a taco at a cool place. I'm so cool at a tech event. I'm cool because I think this cool thought. I'm so cool that I don't have a profitable business model.
incognito, false-cool, losable
If the eyes are the window to the soul, what are people trying to hide behind their shades? Probably their souls.
Fixed Gear Bikes
The official chariot of the skinny jean and ironic t-shirt wearing people of Williamsburg has spread to every hipster community in the universe. The rider gives up brakes and comfort in exchange for something as elusive and magical as the dew from a unicorn's horn.
White Apple Headphones
After spending hundreds of dollars on a sleek device, don't skimp by using the bundled headphones. For less than $50 bucks, you can get a nice pair of earbuds that sound dramatically better than these default whites.
gross, chewy, cold
A ring of cold chewy seafood tails and red dipping sauce is gross.
Let's see what's in the fridge: OJ, the purple stuff... Sunny Diabetes! Cool!
San Francisco's Pier 39
ugly, sad, expensive, unathentic
San Francisco is a world-class city with plenty of cultural, human poop-filled, natural, or delicious destinations. But not at Pier 39 (except for maybe the poop). This odd-numbered pier and the surrounding area are a tourist ghetto. Bad food, souvenirs, and ugly buildings are the norm. The area is so annoying that even the sea lions have left.
dirty, scary, creepy
One of the few bugs that will actually run at you when you try to kill it.
They are heavy enough to rustle the papers when rooting through your garbage at night, and fast enough to escape to their expansive wall nests. I wish the whole world would get nuked in order to rid itself of cockroaches. Oh wait...
Take stock footage of people and cut it together. They can either be building a boat, walking in the park, teaching, being old and smiling, or look like they will have sex at some point. The spot should feel at least 15 minutes long and contain nearly nonstop VO about side-effects. Please talk to your doctor if you develop a sudden urge to punch.
itchy, flaky, fungal
Anything that makes skin itch and peel is worthy of a good punch in the fungus.
Smelling like a musk ox in heat? Well, rub a clear salty crystal on your pits. I'm sure it will work.
nerdy, annoying, stale
When does a network testing man get annoying? When the only thing he can say is “Can you hear me now? Good.” with a tone so smug you could bounce Dick Cheney off of it. And just when it seemed like the character was retiring, they added an army of network technicians to back him up. Verizon Guy sets nerds back in their struggle to be loved and accepted. I don't think his glasses even have lenses.
South Beach Diet
misleading, unhealthy, mass market
A fad diet now owned by Kraft and sold as prepackaged food sounds like a healthy choice to me.
dangerous, ugly, for pricks
When everyone's a cyborg, we'll look back at bluetooth headsets as the point were we could have taken a different path. I hope life hasn't become so busy that we can't stop long enough give a conversation our undivided attention. Plus, a headset wearer looks like he's talking to himself, is a total prick, or both.
soul sucking, expensive, attention-shortening
Single handedly destroying the boundary between work and personal life, all under the guise that it's making life easier.
ugly, unreliable, unoriginal
If Chevy was going to copy another company's designs, you think they could aim a little higher than the already ugly PT Cruiser.
expensive, polluting, time-wasting
Nothing more than a scam to dump millions of perfectly fine TVs into landfills, these fancy flat panels put a premium price on what used to be cheap time waste. As a child, anyone that spent more than $1000 on a TV was either rich or a fool. Now the average set far exceeds that threshold. And people are buying them.
expensive, wasteful, for pricks
Wasteful, ostentatious, and unashamed: a perfect reflection of its buyer.
expensive, yuppy, misleading
How whole foods is different than a normal grocery store: price, packaging, image. But like a regular store, the bulk of it's products are prepackaged. And like a regular store, it has a mix of organic and conventional produce. You can make healthier Cheetos, sure, but they're still just Cheetos. For a store that aims to help the consumer make healthy choices, they could have kept packaged foods out of their inventory. But they know that people want them, so instead they make you pay out the ass for a mildly healthier version. Hypocrites.
smirking, scheming, selfish
The reasons are obvious.
pointless, obvious, ugly
This is a product that says it’s okay to be ashamed of your own skin. Blemishes and skin imperfections are a part of life. Having eerie, skin-colored gunk covering the abscesses of clog pores is worse looking, trust me. This is as effective as putting perfume on a homeless man.
Body Spray & Body Wash
unnecessary, gay, smelly
There is no need for a heavily scented, repurposed shampoo.
loud, expensive, ugly
You can be a rebel without riding a ridiculously proportioned, noise polluting motorcycle. Chopper riders are trying too hard.
Empowerment Messages to Sell Products
transparent, pandering, offensive
Secret Deodorant’s tagline has devolved in the last decade from “Strong enough for a man, PH balanced for a woman” to the streamlined “Strong enough for a man, made for a woman” to “Strong, like a woman.” First of all, this is deodorant. How is deodorant a credible or even appropriate source for empowering messages? Arianna Huffington can say this. She means it. She is a woman. But what does a stick of chemicals know about women’s struggle for equality?
The Firm that Redesigned the Chevron Logo
crafty, hucksters, bullshitters
The design firm that refreshed Chevron’s logo are evil geniuses. They got paid a truckload of money to basically add a gradient to Chevron’s old logo. The typeface is a little friendlier now, but the chevron looks less like a chevron and more like two folded ribbons. Not only does their design butcher a simple classic, but it is harder to reproduce, harder to read from a distance, and a costly change in signage for all the stations.
Windows Operating Systems
bloated, expensive, ugly, complicated
I don’t care what they say, there’s nothing interesting about this Windows release. There a lot stuff going on behind the scenes, but to me it’s just a shinier XP. So cut the hype; it’s as transparent as Aero’s title bars.
New Mass Market Furniture Furniture
ugly, poorly-crafted, unstylish
As obese and cheap looking as the people that buy it. A used couch has more character than an entire Haverty’s store.
expensive, proprietary, pointless
Throw a lowercase "i" in front of the name and jack up the price–instant iPod accessory. And because many of these devices interface through proprietary means, they die with their host. It’s bad enough that all the old ipod models get junked when the batteries die or a new model comes out, but now all of the speakers, remotes, car adapters, and more have to get dumped too.
Microwaveable Panini Sandwiches
weird, oxymoronic, unnatural
Don’t let your busy lifestyle get in the way of eating panini sandwiches! Just pop one of these high-tech boxes into the microwave for the most authentic microwave sandwich flavor outside of a D-grade Italian bistro.
Lysol Disinfecting Wipes
fear-mongering, toxic, wasteful
Germs are gross and all, but they’re part of life. You can use scare tactics all you want Lysol, but I know that keeping germs out of my house is a losing battle. And if you could see the house I grew up in, you’d know that you can live just fine in the stuff of Lysol’s nightmares.
proprietary, bloated, inefficient
While fine for photo management, iPhoto locks the user into using it. The program won’t be around forever and when it’s gone, it’s going to leave a lot of people’s photo library’s in limbo. I’d much rather manually organize my photos to last a lifetime and save the RAM and disk space.
ugly, lonely, strange, pointless
Why people spend money to own pixelated and barren land on a server is beyond me. This early version of the Metaverse is lonely, perverse, and ugly. In those regards, it doesn’t seem much different from reality.
inauthentic, slimy, prick-filled
You can smell the place for blocks. They pump MSG and soy scent out into the neighborhood as a lure. It’s too bad the food is expensive and oily and that the restaurant seems to be continually full of pale, loud pricks who look like they just left the office.
People that eat loudly
Can’t people in this modern world be a little more civilized in their chewing? We are not cows or wild apes. We use forks. There’s no reason to slurp and smack like it’s going out of style. These people are one step away from defecating in public.
A pile of toxic metal is thrown into landfills every year because disposable batteries are plentiful. Stores should only stock rechargeable.
Special FX Driven Movies
soulless, macho, boring
A movie can be so much more than just a visual spectacle that appeals to our baser instincts. They can be both mindful and entertaining.
Where does Oral-B get off thinking that they are god’s best gift to teeth since fluoride? Their smug group of scientists and marketers are a few brushes away from modesty.
spamming, annoying, invasive
So and so just sent you a smile. So and so just rated a soda. So and so just took a dump. Would I like to install an app to learn more? Why, no I wouldn’t!
Pepsi’s New Logo
awkward, ugly, unnecessary
The millions of dollars it will cost to re-plaster their iconic logo with this awkward mess is sad. Why destroy a stable logo for something that looks like a muffin top? Stupid Pepsi, you’re always the reactionary and impulsive soda.
Local Television News
fear mongering, amateurish
Big teethed and moronic talking heads tell you about the latest car crash or police shooting. They leave the big issues for the national news so they have time to mis-predict the weather.
Cosmetics and Supplements
modern day snake oil, expensive, pointless
Pamper yourself in luscious botanical mushroom extract! Reverse aging with a patented horse anus serum! Lose weight by taking a pill! Seriously, how is any of this different than the old days of cyanide tonics and belladonna eye drops? These new snake oils might not kill you, but they aren’t going to work either. Despite all the advancements in science, people remain as gullible as ever.
expensive, time consuming, boring
Paying a costly monthly fee to watch mostly syndicated programming with just as many ads and station promotions as FREE broadcast TV doesn’t make sense to me. Why do people need 200+ stations of crap? Why bother having to wake up at 6:30 in the morning to watch Saved By The Bell re-runs when you could watch it free online? And why does it seem like at least 50% of airtime is promos for other shows on the same station?
evil, manipulative, desperate
Hello customer, this be your bank. We be noticing that your name, credit card and checking account numbers, and list of greatest fears be out of date. Please click this suspicious link to update your records. Signed, Nigerian Prince.
looks like poop
What's brown like poop, thick like poop, but not poop? Chocolate pudding! I'm not sure how I’d go about punching pudding, however.
fake, annoying, gross
Listen you frolicking, successful, and uptight white ladies: that low calorie swill you’re drinking is just fake flavor, fake sweetener, and water. You might as well save some money and start drinking sugar-free Kool-Aid.
I’m not sure how the inventors of elevators imagined riders interacting, but it must have been more hopeful than awkward silence and avoiding eye contact.
Anyone who farts has lost one of the few separations between man and beast. The flatulent fool might as well give up forks and just eat his meal off the floor.
Big Leather Sectional Couches
ugly, expensive, sectioned
Obese looking, bloated furniture for obese people to grow obese on. You know a couch deserves to get punched when it bends around a corner.
A single trip to the grocery store results in a handful of plastic bags. These bags litter the earth. Numerous alternative exists that require slightly more hassle. And they don't sound like a ear-destroying forest fire when they get crinkled.
Engineered to dull get thrown away. They are too sharp on the first shave and too dull a few later. Design as many lubricated strips and blades as you want, they’re just going to be thrown out in a week or two. I might as well punch facial hair too.
unnatural, weird, cloggy
Sweating is a natural process. Applying harsh aluminum goo to block pores is not. I don’t see how this is any different than putting a plug in your butt to prevent pooping.
Just kidding, you're a wonderful visitor. I am overjoyed that you made it to the bottom of this page. Consider yourself safe from my punches...
Copyright © Nik Daum. The author doesn't recommend punching anything unless it's on a list.